The Brexit Secretary Dominic Raab is to start at West Chaverton Primary School on Monday, a source has heard.

“When the Prime Minster was informed that Mr Raab was unaware of our geographic location on the planet, she knew that public schooling had failed him and had to take action”, Mrs May’s spokesperson advised, “she managed to get him into West Chaverton as a priority by transferring a poorer student to a school 15 miles away, but what are they going to do? Cry to their mummy?”.

This is in response to Mr Raab stating recently that he was “unaware” of the importance of European trade to the UK during the Brexit negotiations.

Dave Tommeh, who runs the Facebook page “Up EUrs” and has a tattoo of an England flag on every appendage told us (with the help of a translator) “oo cares? Leave means leave. U remoaners just hate democracy”, while managing to avoid every question our reporter asked.

Dominic Raab was initially available for comment, but had to leave in a hurry to go shopping for a new school uniform.