Boris Johnson: The UK looks set to receive a BJ shortly as only Satan and Funny Satan remain in the Conservative leadership race.

With the Conservative leadership race all but over, the Conservative party members are left with two choices. Jeremy C-hunt, or Boris Johnson. With no one in their right mind wanting to vote for the man who came close to destroying the NHS in one term and doesn’t even know the ethnicity of his own wife, it looks set that they will be voting for the funny looking one instead.

“We may want Brexit”, said Dave Gibbons, gammonati spokesman, “but we also want our NHS. Jeremy’s a s##t for trying to get rid of it. So essentially he’s f##ked.”

Dave went on to describe his ideal first year under BJ’s rule, finishing with a climactic “it will be glorious. I think I need a nap now.”

Others weren’t so convinced. We spoke to Lionel Blur who told us “who wants a BJ with teeth? The man should be gotten rid of and hold a general election. He’s an idiot and probably doesn’t even know what a cock is.”

“That’s what we’re talking about right?”