After failing miserably in her leadership bid, Esther McVey has been forced to change her name to Esther McWho before she ceases to exist.

Esther “Eight Mates” McVey was forced to rename herself after coming last in the Conservative leadership race yesterday, being completely trounced by such incompetent idiots as Boris “Watermelon Smiles” Johnson, Michael “Enough of Experts” Gove and Jeremy “F##k Doctors and I don’t-know-where-my-wife-comes-from” C…Hunt.

We at the Brickish Times are convinced if Chris Grayling ran, he’d get more votes. Probably by voting for himself several times by mistake.

The wannabe totalitarian dictator told reporters this morning: “as no-one seems to care who I am, and Lorraine Kelly refusing to acknowledge my existence, I am forced to rename myself to Esther McWho.”

“She [Lorraine] told me this morning that she wasn’t jealous of me getting anchor of GMTV over her back in the day, as she had her own show anyway; something I apparently forgot. I’m obviously not intended for this timeline.”

“Besides, apparently you have to ensure the poor and disabled are fed and clothed here, or the UN start slagging you off. What kind of nonsense is that?”