We only wanted what was best for him.

With the news that British Steel is facing closure due to Brexit related issues, the ailing company has announced that Nigel’s future is no longer with them.

“We were only making plans for Nigel”, said British Steel chairman Jeremy Irons, “we only wanted what was best for him. Unfortunately, due to him pushing for Brexit so much, it’s not him that needs the helping hand anymore, it’s us.”

We spoke to Nigel Farage’s uncle who wasn’t having any of it. “Look,” said James Farage, “if young Nigel says he’s happy, he must be happy. His whole future is as good as sealed, for crying out loud.”

Nigel was unavailable for comment, as although he loves to speak, he wasn’t outspoken at this time. His office did reassure us that he was happy in his work.

Additionally, our lawyers advise us to state that we have never heard of the band XTC or any of their music.