A minimum speed for cyclists using A roads is to be set this year to prevent disruption to traffic, of 50 miles per hour, government ministers announced today.

“More cyclists are on the road than ever before, and one or two have even been caught using motorways“, said Chris Failing, Secretary of State for Transport. “This is causing untold delays, as cyclists trudge up long hills with a stream of traffic snaking behind them.”

“Motorists are tempted to overtake the cyclist when it isn’t safe, which leads to an increase in accidents. So we are imposing a minimum speed of 50mph for cyclists.”

Cyclist, Jim Jetson, told us “I suppose I can see the reasoning behind it, but it’s just another way for the government to screw over the little guy. I tried going at 50mph the other day for an hour, but without a rocket up my ass it’s really difficult.”

“Though I suppose eventually I might be able to do it. Although by that time, the country will be full of cyclists with legs like steel f##king girders.”